DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS TO DEAL WITH YOUR CHILD'S MISBEHAVIOUR

Few days ago, my 8 year old son missed  an instruction I gave him.

I was upset about it because the instruction was time bound. 

What did I do? 

I decided to enquire why he didn't carry out the instructions, and this conversation took place between us.

(Note: This conversation happened with a calm and an open mind even thou I was upset.)

Me: Ayo did you do what I asked you to do?
 
Ayo: No mummy. Did you ask me to do anything?

Me: Yes , I am sure you didn't  hear me 🤔

Ayo: I didn't  hear you mum, Sorry.

Me: That's OK (even thou at this point I felt like saying  you just didn't  listen because  you were playing 😂 but I didn't)

Note: I didn't need to condemn him for not listening,  all I did was find out why first.

For you to deal with any misbehaviour effectively  you must first understand why your child  misbehaved , you owe that to your child.

Few minutes  later, another apportunity came to carry out the same instruction.

Ayo: oh mum let me quickly  go and do this for you  now. (afterwards) He comes back to me held me and said,  "I am so sorry mum,  next time I will ensure I listen attentively when your are instructing me".

I tell you those words melted me. I got so emotional,  and I just knew for the umpteenth  time that connecting to Correct is better than commanding to correct your child.

Dear parents,

Deal with you emotions, your Child is not the reason why you yell!
You are the reason!
You are also the solution!
Stop making excuses!.......start looking for tools to help you become  parent in the 21st century. Parenting in this century is very tough and requires a lot of skills, tools and knowledge, Please don't leave it to  chance.

In my latest book,  I shared tools that helped me get to this point with my emotions. I elaborated  how connecting with your child can make you a hero/role model.

Pre-order The Connect To Correct Book
today for N2,500

use link below

https://paystack.com/pay/connecttocorrect

It accepts payment  from anywhere in the world(it will automatically  convert to your currency).

Or pay directly to

Wendy &You 1012668400...Zenith bank , and send a screenshot of payment  proof to Theintentionalparents@gmail.com

Wait! in doubt? 

Get chapter one for Free here http://www.bit.ly/connecttocorrect

Your condemnation  will only give you a child whose self esteem  is damaged, believe me you don't want that for your child.

©Wendy Ologe

WHAT EFFECTS DOES YELLING HAVE ON YOUR CHILD?

Many times parents tell me it's not possible to just talk to Children calmly without yelling because they will not hear.

My response: "You have wired them/raised them to respond to only yells and shouts”.

There is no such thing as a perfect child, they all fight with their siblings, ignore their chores, or upset you in one way or the other.
I often say a child must be a child is your Job to remain an Adult too.

We must begin to pay attention to the things we say to our children especially when they upset us. We think that saying things with just words might not be abusive since we are not hitting but you might be creating more psychological harm than you can imagine. Someone told me recently how the words of her Dad ( who never hit her) almost destroyed her as a girl and an adult

Children perceive shouting as a threat to their sense of security, safety and confidence. Long-term exposure to shouting can result in fear, anxiety, stress, insomnia, developmental delays, behavioural problem, academic issues, social difficulties, emotional issues and thwarted coping skills ... (Sihweil)

Yelling is as bad as physical Abuse!

The problem with yelling is that what comes with it compounds the problem. It's not just the loud voice that has an impact, it's also the body language and the actual words used (which could be critical, Insulting or sarcastic)

Shouting is largely ineffective!!  It doesn't get the message across because the children are often times too busy defending themselves and totally miss the point.

Now don't get me wrong, we are all humans and sometimes we slip, but Intentionality makes you understand when you do you should fix it. Because occasional shouting won't have any major long-term effects, especially when you fix it!

Just know that Shouting is like a human fire alarm, so use it with caution and only when there is a danger.

If you want to raise a child with strength and coping mechanisms use Firm, Calm and compassionate tone. This allows the child's brain to remain open and learn. Research has shown When there is adrenaline for fear of being shouted at, theirs is limited thinking capacity

Ditch shouting for good

#excerpts from my book ConnectToCorrect

©Wendy  Ologe
Parent Coach

PARENTING MISTAKE CAN RUIN GENERATIONS

Someone sent me a write up this morning on how a father's influence can go to the fourth generation after him. He sighted an example of Whitney Houston’s parents; Emily and John Houston who divorced when she was in kindergarten. Together with her lover, Bobby Brown, Whitney smoked crack in the presence of their 5-year-old daughter, Bobbi Kristina. At 22, Bobbi died of drug abuse…her mother Whitney died at 48 on similar grounds. Great careers and more importantly, great lives lost due to parenting default.

The truth is that there isn't much you can do about your ancestors but there is something that you can do about your descendants. To be in your children’s memory tomorrow, you have to be in their lives’ today. Having children doesn’t make you a parent, Raising them does and it takes skill.

There are many of us who were raised up in unstable families. As much as we don’t want to pass it on to our children, If we do nothing about it, we will be doing just that.
We can choose to become more emotionally intelligent, control our emotions, shield our children from our disputes as adults, and this is not done by wishing and praying, it's a skill. To a large extent, a child is a product of his/her early relationships.
It starts with you becoming emotionally intelligent to raise an emotionally stable child.

Are you thinking about this? in my upcoming book, Connect to Correct I shared insights on how you can begin to take charge of your emotions and this skill that will help you change the story of your descendants;
If you do nothing you will be like the parents we point accusing fingers at.

Let's Start Connecting and stop Commanding

©Wendy  Ologe
Parent Coach

HOW SHOULD PARENTS TEACH VALUES?

Teaching value to our children is not a theoretical rhetorics, it's in the things we say and do daily, it's no formal class.

So sometime last week, I was listening to a guest speaker on a radio programme who had a story to share on how a male teacher made passes at her at age  9.
One thing that struck with that story she shared was how she understood that she shouldn't cut corners to become the best in her class even though she wanted it. Now, this is not to say that we should not teach our children to aim high, it is a call to let our children understand that if you must aim high, you must work for it, it's call to parents to teach and model values!

In her story, her teacher who was coming on to her like an adult had noticed that she wasn't the first in the class for that term and offered her to rewrite her exams with answers availed to her in order to ensure she becomes tops of the class. In her words, the teacher said " I love you and I will like you to be the best" then he goes on to give her a peck on the cheek.

She said something very profound, 'as much as I was very interested in becoming the best in my class but I wasn't desperate. I knew that if I must become the best, then I must earn it not get it from the wrong means. She went further to say that, she knew her parents will only encourage her to do better when they see her result (9th out of 30 people). she understands that it was wrong to cheat in any way because she had not just being taught, her parents had modelled this to her severally at home.
It breaks my heart when I see parents who just give their children the impression that being tops of the class is a do or die affair.

So she chooses to say NO to this teacher, even when the teacher persuaded her. She eventually reported to her parents who ensured this teacher was sacked. (This happened in the 80s when this kind of story was not even believed from a child especially in Africa). These parents were indeed some superheroes.

Dear  parent,

You will not be with your child when they will be making life-changing decisions. The best you can do is to equip your child with the tools she needs. What values are you passing on to your child?
In my upcoming book "Connect To Correct" I elaborated on how connecting with your child helps you teach your values seamlessly. You cannot teach someone who doesn't believe in you.
The best thing that can happen to any parent is having a child who will live their values in their absence, a child who will listen to their words even when they are gone.

Your first role as a parent is to make your child believe you are his Hero/role model. Remember you will not be there at all times, commit to becoming your child's role model.

©Wendy  Ologe
Parent Coach